A Girl’s Guide for “Going” Outside
So you are dating a cowboy huh? I’m not talking about the weekend warrior rodeo kind either. I’m talking about the kind of cowboy that works on a real ranch, and has cowboy tan lines, and sleeps outside on occasion, and takes care of other business outside. If you are a ranch girl or an outdoorsy girl this post will be of no benefit to you. But if you are a woman who is fresh off a city street and have snagged yourself an authentic cowboy this is for you!
Your new man wants to take you out moving cows with him on the ranch, which is all hunky dory, until nature calls. I wish I could lie to you and tell you there will be cute little outhouses with moons cut out of the doors or sort of smelly porta potties scattered in every pasture on the ranch, but that would be a big fat lie. You deserve to be prepared, at least mentally, for taking care of #1 and #2 when you are nowhere near The John. So here are a few tips to the ladies for when you are out enjoying nature and nature calls.
Wall Sits
You might want to start with some wall sits just to give your legs a sample of what it will be like to go with no toilet. If you have been holding it for a while in search of the perfect rabbit brush to hide behind you might have to go really bad. Wall sits will come in handy so your legs don’t give out before you finish the task at hand.
Location! Location! Location!
Women of the west have got this a bit easier than women in the Midwest because we have hills, trees, boulders, and brush to hide behind. Trees are your friend, you can hold on to them if you didn’t take my advice on the wall sits, that way you won’t tip over. When I was in Nebraska about the only place I could find to take care of business was the stock trailer. These are great at brandings and other functions where there are lots of people around (see photo above, good luck finding somewhere to go at this branding). Some of the newer trailers have slam latches, just be careful that you don’t lock yourself in the trailer, I have been there before.
Topography
Alright, so you’ve found yourself a nice hill out of view from the crew and you proceed to do your business. While in the middle of your squats you realize the small river you are creating is about to run into your feet. So you try to hop out of the way only to realize your pants have you hobbled. I am yet to master the hobble hop, it rarely ends well. Take into consideration the slope of the hill you choose and your foot placement.
Windage
It doesn’t matter if you have done perfect on all of the above, if you don’t factor in the direction and velocity of the wind you will not make it out dry!
The Clean Up
It’s pretty simple in the case of #1…. Either pack tp in your pocket or drip dry. I hesitate to say this one because people might look at me sideways but I have used the exhaust of the pickup to create the same air effect as the hand driers in public restrooms. It gets a bit messier with #2 when you aren’t packing. My advice is hold it as long as you can and maybe you will forget about it and make it home. Your other option is to get creative. Here are some I have heard of….. Coming home with one missing sock, tailoring a redneck t-shirt with a ripped off sleeve, or there is always the commando ride home.
Things to Avoid
Don’t wipe with random shrubbery….. it’s a real bad idea, I will not expound! Don’t pee on a road. This one may be an old wives tale, but if you pee on a road your eye will twitch for a few days after. If at all possible avoid squatting over a rock, there is some major splashing that occurs. When taking care of business on a trip don’t go directly behind the truck if you are in a newer truck equipped with a back up camera…. you know why!
My Dad’s rule was once us kids could go to the bathroom outside we could go with him on the ranch. I’m not saying I’m an expert, but I have been doing it for a few years and happen to know a few tricks. Someday you can return the favor and show this girl from The Middleofnowhere, USA a few tricks to surviving city life. Until that day good luck and don’t forget the wall sits.
